I haven’t posted in awhile. Funny it was easy to pour my heart out when I was in agony, suffering, alone and isolated. Now that life is improving I find that I really have nothing to say. I guess I have felt that sharing the good was not as important as sharing and eliminating the pain but someone just asked me how I was doing so I thought I would share the upside and a success story to recovery.
My husband has been sober since November 2010. I thought sobriety was all that was needed to get to recovery but I have found that the real work began after sobriety. My husband’s addiction was how he coped with life, his emotions, his stresses, his fears, his insecurities – basically how he functioned. Without his addiction he had to face and deal with his life, his emotions, his stress, his fears and his insecurity. Not something that he found pleasant or easy or wanted.
For the first more than a year of his sobriety it was hell on both of us. He kept finding other addictions to turn to cope. He took up smoking, he ate copious amounts of food that made him ill and he remained isolated. Whatever he used it was to cover the pain, help him avoid his feelings so the results in his and our life remained the same as when he was acting out.
Our fighting and destruction of our marriage continued to get worse. Life was basically horrible.
In hindsight I can see that all that was suppressed needed to come to the surface and he had suppressed many many years of pain so the emotional mess that was laid out of his and our feet was at times unbearable. We almost did not make it through.
We separated for a couple of months. It was agony for me for him it was a relief not to have to face any of the issues. It seems that I was a huge mirror for him to see the repressed pain, I was the one who was forcing him to look, to see, to heal and to recover by the very fact that I was in his life. He blamed me for almost everything that he was feeling. I was seen as the pain source and he pushed me away – really hard he pushed me away.
It almost worked. It was almost over for good. But I guess we were brought together for our mutual healing and we had to go through pain that we did not think we could survive from.
But we did survive.
First came sobriety and then my husband got medical and medicinal help. He found a psychiatrist who knew and understood sex addiction. He was diagnosed with ADHD and on the proper medications. My husband began to find relief from his brain frying him from the inside out.
Then we could get down to the work of healing. That work continues.
We found a couples retreat, a couples therapist, individual therapists, individual healing retreats and self help from many sources. We learned to heal ourselves and our marriage. We learned conflict resolution. We learned compassion and understanding. We learned to communicate.
Now we are putting all of that into practice. We do not have the ideal relationship yet and I am not sure that is even possible. What exactly is ideal?
But life is quiet. We are at peace. We can discuss things. Life is falling into place. Things in our lives are miraculously aligning to make life simpler. We are no longer living in constant chaos.
We are beginning to dream and plan for a future that we never thought possible. We are becoming more responsible and practical instead of reactive to life and to each other.
2012 is set for our year of healing. We are throwing ourselves completely into recovery in whatever way God brings it to us. We are saying yes to all that presents itself to us. We are no longer living in the problem but are finding and living in solutions.
There are days that I forget and he forgets that sex addiction is part of our lives!
We are beginning to have a healthy sex life. It is a slow process but we are making headway. We are re-learning to connect to each other, to trust each other and to trust our own desires.
We are hopeful. We are beginning to fall in love again. Not that fall head over heals can do no wrong kind of love but instead a quiet, deep, respectful love that only comes from walking in the fires together. I much prefer this love to the excitement and passion of that early love. This love leaves me at peace where the other love left me breathless.
I am not sure how much I will continue to write. I am writing more personal journals lately – actually on paper again. I am doing creative writing. I am reading voraciously. I am in and a part of life. I am volunteering. I am finding friends. I am a part of life again where I was once so alone and isolated.
I will keep this blog open and up. I will monitor comments. I leave it now for those who are still in the fire. I hope that my escape from sex addiction and finding a life on the otherside will provide hope to those who are still suffering. Know that I suffered as you may be and I have lived through until it stopped hurting so much.
I wish that for all of us. I will continue to pray for all those suffer from addiction and all those who love those who suffer from addiction. May we all rise above the pain of addiction and may we find peace and healing.
I love you all.