I Am Not Playing Our Old Game Anymore
I don’t know what to say. I feel like I am so alone but I have also stopped.
No longer am I chasing my husband. He said this was too much for him – code that he needs to disconnect and isolate – and I let him go. Not that I could stop him but I didn’t try to stop him.
So I have gone about my life, my days and my plans and have not reached out to him, tried to engage with him or in anyway try to make our life better. If I can come home from work and he doesn’t even say hi to me, then fine I will live in my own home without engaging with my husband.
He tried to talk to me the other day after ignoring me. He wanted my assurances and my praise for a project that he was working on around the house. I couldn’t give it to him. I knew he needed it. He kept asking me if I had seen his work and what were my comments but I knew he needed me to congratulate him at best and make him feel better but I was sure after looking at him closely (dark eyes, shrunken into himself, color of his face was ashen and he was shriveled) that he was in fact looking for me to condemn him, berate him or give him a reason to start a fight.
I refused to engage.
So he wanted to talk about the new budget that I had created. That was more dangerous territory. I would not go there. The landmines around money are huge. Nope, I was not going to play the game of thinking he was normal and not isolating, when all signs, appearances and behaviors showed me that was exactly where he was and try to be a partner with him in finances.
The only interaction he has with our money is to spend it or earn it. He does not pay bills, or plan investments. He does not make mortgage, borrowing or budgeting decisions. He does not know what we owe, what we earn or what we pay.
I have tried repeatedly to get him involved. I have opened the bills in front of him. I have set weekly review meetings. I have tried to discuss what financial goals he wants. All I get is a body in front of me with interaction or no recall of these sit downs. It is like talking to a wall.
No I am not engaging anymore and so there is no interaction.
He is not talking to me, connecting with me or trying to be with me. Our lives are very busy and we have totally opposite work schedules. It takes effort and desire for us to connect, speak and communicate. The effort that has happened is my reaching out for him and he having the choice to accept or reject me. I don’t like that anymore. I never liked it. I thought I could change it by trying to be wonderful, funny, charming, intelligent, compassionate and caring. No I can’t change how he accepts me by how I behave.
So I have stopped. All the things that I used to do to try to make things better and failed miserably. I have stopped.
And there is a huge empty hole. There is a big nothing that I am forced to look at.
If I am not chasing him, if I am not connecting with him or if I refuse to play the role that seemed to have been pigeon holed into, then he does nothing. So there is no interaction nor any reaction. I am happy that we are not in a reaction mode of setting off each other but there is no repairing, no connection and no relationship.
If he can’t face feelings, if he can’t face difficult discussions, if he can’t face where we are, what has happened and where we are going and will disassociate and disconnect himself at his own discretion, where does that leave US?
I hate my life. Those are the words that keep coming into my head. I hate my life.
But I don’t hate my life. I love my job, I love my children. I am beginning to love and be proud of myself.
The part of my life that I hate is my marriage, the loneliness, the pretending that I live in a loving marriage, the games of back and forth and trying to figure out how to be with my husband, the exhaustion of trying to find peace and serenity and a sense of calmness in the midst of an ever changing world.
Does he hate this too enough to change it? He knows that I will no longer talk to him about me and my stress and my issues until he works through his step work and finds the patterns of destruction that he has brought. If I can’t fix his patterns, I will no longer play with them and think all is well.
I don’t know how long I will stay in a marriage that is not repairing and restoring sanity. I do not know why I am still here. I don’t know what it will take for things to change or me to leave.
I am just not playing anymore.
Recovering From My Husband's Sex Addiction 
If this helps at all, I’m in the exact place you are. I don’t know why I’m here and why I don’t leave this marriage. I did hear one word of wisdom from a book the other day. It read that one is codependent if she stays in the marriage out of weakness but not if she stays in the marriage out of strength.
We both have children and have every reason to stay strong until it we can no longer take it. If you’re disengaging with his need for attention and praise (or nagging and criticism), you are being strong. You are in the marriage out of strength. I’m sure you already know that. 🙂
Btw, your husband sounds just like mine. Are you sure they’re not long lost brothers? lol
I am a husband who has a marriage like this. My wife sounds a lot like you and Inertia. We are both very miserable and I’m hoping one of you might be able to give me some objective insights from a woman’s perspective. I have pulled away from her physically and emotionally because she hurts me so bad. Sometimes, I think it would be better to be dead than stuck in a marriage with her. However, I too have kids and don’t want to break their hearts. They’re 11 and 14 and though they know something is not right with mommy and daddy, the concept of divorce is not on their radar – it would be devastating to them and I must do everything I can to save our family. I just feel that it is impossible for me to live with my wife. She’s very controlling, very cold, very distant. But even when things are going “well”, if she does something that hurts/bothers me, I cannot talk to her about it without sending her into a spiral. Therefore I have walked on eggshells for the last 17 years. I’m a shell of the man I used to be. I have no drive, passion or joy. I want to escape into alcohol, porn or sports to feel happy and excited about something. I’m on depression meds and have become overweight. “I hate my life” is an understatement. I don’t hate myself because I do feel I’m a decent, loving person who wants the best for everyone and is willing to sacrifice for it. But my wife is emotionally sick and does not take any responsibility for the way she behaves in the marriage. She blames me for all our problems and cannot accept that she has personal issues that cause equally damaging problems. Her self-righteous point of view is hypocritical and nauseating. She’s already had one husband leave her for another woman. I would not do that but I do desire a loving relationship with a woman I can be myself with and who is not constantly offended by every breath I take.